34 Years And Still in Love: ... standing the test of time ...

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James and his lovely bride, Cecilia have been together for almost 40 years, and if you asked them, they would tell you that their years together have been nothing short of a "non-stop adventure through the pages of time". Average Review. Write a Review. Shipping Shipping FAQs. Find a Store. Sign up for savings, news, updates.

CreateSpace Publishing. Both of us are prepared to accept that he may decide to stay married and if so, then I disappear. If he leaves, he will do so on his own and with dignity, calmness and care for his wife. Take your time. Get counselling and lots of it from different counsellors some are biased even though they claim not to be. Think a lot. Work out who you are and where you want to be. Will it all be worth the drama, angst? If you have a bit of breathing space, you can think more rationally. You ARE having an affair with your friend.

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The emotional connection is far more powerful than any sexual connection. A sexual connection will just be the icing on the cake. The age thing? There are no answers and everyone is different. No one can make a judgement, no one can tell you what to do. If you know someone is married you stay away from them. You are helping them commit a sin against their family and more importantly against God. I pray cleopatra that you would have enough respect for yourself not to do that. You are worth more than that and God loves you. Find a good single respectable man. Please do not leave comments spouting your opinion based on religion or throwing religious texts around.

This is about seeking actual help, not finding judgment. If these wives were truly important to you, you would never of engaged in sexual relations with there hubbies, no matter how so-called unhappy they claim to be in there marriage. Get over it and walk away and never get sexy with them ever, and stop being selfish. Wow, sad. You hear what these guys tell you. They all will say they are not happy and have a miserable home life to get a 40 something year old that says she looks 30, really.

You should be ashamed. Find a single man if you are so good looking! I just want to say wow. I am younger, I am only 35, and my wife is also 35, married for a mere 10 years, 2 children both still young. I am the bad man in all this, I am the one having a full blown affair. Emotional, sexual. I too have thought of walking away and starting a new life with this woman but reading a lot of these comments has sort of helped my head a lot.

It raises points that get overlooked especially in the early days of whirlwind lust with someone new. Its that, its new its exciting and its lust driven. Those moments of actually being desired, feeling wanted for what the other woman sees and feels. We share interests, ideas thoughts and feelings. We have the same views in life and love, so its easy to mistake the early days for something a lot stronger than it truly is.

BUT, its early days, its the same thing that was between me and my wife 16 years ago we dated for years before marrying. The intimacy between my wife and I is sporadic at best, sex is not as important to my wife as it is to me. But will it always be that way, I doubt it. She is very fiery, as am I so it will be a far more tumultuous relationship than my wife and I ever have had.

To the outside my wife and I look the perfect couple, moved in together at 18 bought our first house at 19, will be mortgage free by We own 3 cars a nice house in a good area. The minute that I upsticks and leave all of that is gone, totally. I will be left with pretty much nothing except a lot of pain and possible hate from those around me except the close friends that like me for me , a destroyed family on all sides, and almost destitute probably once the courts, solicitors, etc have finished.

All for the hope that I can be slightly happier in love and life. I have rambled a lot here and I mean a lot and its disjointed as my own feelings and emotions are a bit raw here but I want to say a massive thank you, so refreshing to see peoples views without judging. All of you have made some exceedingly valid points that are helping me with my own confusion. Good luck to anyone going through this. Go to lifechurch. He is not judgmental at all just practical in this life that we live. There are three up on the website the fourth and last will be up tomorrow.

Lust as you spoke of can be just as addicting as over eating or drugs.

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Not being judgmental here at all just trying to help you for yourself and your family. We have to help ourself and fix us before can expect any other relationships to work. Week three of this series is great. Things kept secret can never be healed. Wish you the very best. All you will do is emotionally harm your partner. Live with any guilt. If you want to save your marriage, end the affair then do it. I would rather not know. Thanks Split Heart. Your situation is tricky because you have young children. I divorced my husband when my children were nine and eleven. It was HARD on the kids.

They too were doing well in school etc. They do suffer. Good that you are also thinking twice about your future with your new love. Keep giving it TIME. It may just fizzle out with your lover and if your wife never knew, then no harm. It only causes hurt and hopefully, you will have learnt something from it and be a better person.

60 of the longest celebrity relationships in Hollywood that prove that love can last

Stick to the old, well worn and tried motto — as long as nobody says anything, then everything is alright. An update on my situation — current lover has left his wife for his own reasons. Living separately from me which is GOOD. Gives him space to work through everything and to calmly make the right decisions — all in good time. I respect that, a lot!

Can Romantic Love Stand the Test of Time? -

With that said, let me just say that I hate your kind of thinking. You are the kind of people that just think of yourself and no one else. I say that the type of person you are, is the type that most times end up getting what they deserve. It may take years or even months, but it always comes back to you and for good reason. My advice to you is; stop what you are doing to your wife, the one that has been there for all those years, in good and bad. Stop and ask God, your wife, your children, your grandchildren and whoever has gotten hurt by your stupidity, including your friend.

I will pray you get your head straight. This world is so sick that I would like to be dead when I hear this type of crap. I really hate this world and its people, I really do. Neither his old wife, nor his new love is the answer. He needs to take a class in how to make the best pasta, or how to make or play a guitar. He needs to befriend a group of bad-ass motorcyclists and ride out to California into the sunset with them.

He needs to dress up as a prince and play act with his wife. He needs to smell the fresh cut grass and the frosty snowflakes, make time for a dip in a hot tub or so every night. He needs to get courageous and live in small and big ways! Expecting your wife or even this new woman to help you live your life to the fullest is a cop-out. YOU have to make it happen. I love your answer. I wish my husband would have done stuff with me. I was always asking him to do things but I guess he had already left, emotionally. Catslove you gave the best answer I have read in a long time.

This strategy can save many long term relationships and marriages. You cannot create chemistry where there is none.

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  7. My husband left me in early after 36 years of marriage. It was a brutal blow. But now with some perspective i see…we never had that initial chemistry. He married me out of some sort of duty to his parents and stayed out of social pressure. We both were responsible for ignoring the truth for all of these years.

    I have beaten myself up for not being stronger and more independent. How can I hate that if I say I loved him? I am finding my way.

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    6. I am determined to be okay and not bitter. A few initial thank yous. First to goodtherapy,org for making this exchange possible, to Ready to go for allowing some of us to learn something from his dilemma and to Cleopatra for giving us a balanced and reasonable insight into the flip side of all this. I understand and respect some peoples judgements but some I frankly do not share.

      Judgement is not the purpose of this website in my view and public stoning has been outlawed for a great many years in civilized societies.

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      I am in a similar position to R2G. I love my wife but I am not in love with her. I think the feeling is mutual although she would not admit to it on her side. We had a discrete physical relationship until we had kids about 22 years ago and since then the physical side has been minimal at best. I have tried to call it a day twice before but the kids made a second and third try the only sensible outcome.

      There has never been a potential other partner until now. I tried to leave for a third time this christmas but I backed off because the pain I was causing and suffering during the attempted break which was quite honestly unbearable. I do not have a physical relationship with this other person but there is a lot of mutual interest. I have no idea what to do or in which direction to go but sharing with you and hearing most of your views has been very helpful. Thank you. My 65 year old best friend is leaving his wife of 35 years.

      I am 12 years his junior. He has made and continues to make hard choices -brave choices-to get to where he needs to be. And is finally is being true to himself after 35 years of living behind a mask — under a rock — his head buried in the sand. By being true to himself, he is allowing his wife to face her own truth, which she, too has been avoiding for years. He is moving on for himself. Not for me. But I do love him. And I am proud of him. It is not easy or painless for any of us. But such is life. You might say to thine own self be true but what people fail to keep in mind is that you reap what you sow.

      Directly or indirectly sooner or later, believe that! A lot of men talk about how unhappy and bored they are but what about the wife??!! You both are going to reap a whirlwind. Mark my words! Tai R — It sounds like I hit a nerve. I am sorry, that was not my intent. I was just sharing my story. Like so many marriages that end in divorce after decades of a rocky marriage, their problems surfaced, festered and were basically ignored by BOTH of them with times of counseling for years and years.

      Sometimes you just marry the wrong person and stay for the wrong reasons, no? By the way, the former wife has moved on with her own on-going romance that apparently was in the works long ago as well. Not knowing all of the details of our circumstances, I find it interesting that a judgement of dark karmic proportions was reached. Blessings, Tai. So much easier to stay and pretend everything is perfect in a marriage.

      I know because I have done this for 23yrs. Even then He never made an effort in our marriage. Last year I sat him down and spoke from my heart, how I was feeling, unloved, not respected, not cherished etc but just felt I wa just there to run the house and take and drop our 2 teenagers here there and everywhere. Final straw came 5 mths ago when he erupted like he normally does, slamming doors, shouting etc I asked him to move out for a week to give our girls and I space.

      I was an emotional wreck and asked for longer to get my head right. This was such a hard thing for me to do. I was so busy pleasing my husband that I lost my identity, friends and self respect. I need to show good example to my 2 kids and hopefully by me doing this they in turn will learn to neve allow ANYONE to bully or abuse them either.

      I wish everyone a very happy, long life. Life is precious and it to be lived with regrets. Selfish decision. It seems your saying physical attraction is part of dating, no matter how many ways your trying to avoid that point. I doubt you want to leave your wife for a morbidly obese younger unattractive woman with warts and 2rd degree burns on her face and female baldness in her hair, lets get honest here. Of course a younger more attractive woman who sounds charming to is more fun than a middle age woman like your wife your middle wife.

      But what about words like loyalty to you die, or eternal loyalty for life. Oh and your kids as you basically admit, your not exactly gonna be popular with them. Why have kids if you wanna be selfish, think of there needs and you have done that by not leaving there mother, your wife. Are you ashamed to have these feelings, your views are not popular with society if your gonna be honest with yourself. Your not exactly winning family man of the year awards with your thoughts and what ya been doing. For all the people wondering. All the naysayers have no idea because they are either happy or are determined to defend marriage.

      Free will is our gift. Use it. There saying there sex-life is important to them, no matter how many ways they try to put a polite spin on it. Some middle aged should have the guts to admit, physical attraction is impotent to them in dating it makes them feel happy being around a women there physically attracted to as opposed to a women they find ugly or plain. In other words looks are important to many men in dating, there actions prove that, just many men lie or deny or are to wimpy to admit looks are important in dating and there shallow, there to scared to admit that truth.

      Oh and some say oh there sick of being a prisoner to there middle aged wife and kids. Why bother have them. Disgrace some of these middle-aged men are, and the selfish behaviour they cause. All of these adult kids writing in to say how their parents affair devastated them into adulthood … Causing years of psychiatric counseling need to grow up and get over it. Good Lord. YES to that! Dad is a screw up, ruined everything, mom is a saint. The deal is, nobody gets through life without some tragedy and there are way worse things than divorce that could happen to you.

      Mourn the break up and then get over it! I am that other woman, who is in an affair with a married guy, he is 20 years older than me. Yes, it is possible, I fell in love with him, his personality, his tenderness, need for me, mentorship, guidance — you name it. I am independent, thankfully financially stable, aware of the challenges such relationship could face but willing to do my best to make things work… and so what?

      This means nothing. He is married, just like the gentleman that opened this forum — torn between two women, very vested into his house, stability of his lifestyle, finds the whole idea of divorce daunting and really is not ready for such major change and possibly will never be ready. This leaves me consistently sad and hurt and waiting for something that probably will never happen. And yet I find it so difficult to walk away. So, to all of the pointy, betrayed wives — please, take care of your husbands, talk to them, try to figure out what is wrong, try to fix your relationship before you blame the other woman for being there.

      And to all of you men that are considering an affair — work on your marriage first please. Talk to your wives, try to figure out what is missing, do more things together, go to the therapist, do whatever it takes to figure out if you can fix your marriage and only once you have proven to yourselves that your marriage is beyond repair — only then look for us, Other women. Because once you tell us — you love us — we believe you…..

      Do your best and sort those emotions before the affair. The married man i was dating his wife has MS and cant do the things he likes doing so she told him to find someone, when hebdid and she found out she said to end it well we didnt for another month and then wr got caught again, he wad ready to leave her but she had texts messages that wr sent each othet, He broke it off with me and is doing counseling but he says he still cares very much for me and loves me.

      I believe she is using the text messages against him to keep him there, she called me saying dont worry i will be done with him soon. I dont know what to do i love this man and feel he wants to be with me. And he should be caring for her, not looking out for someone else. You stand by your partner in good times and bad, your both a disgrace. You should feel guilty for having an affair. In my view your a home wrecker, far more people are on the wife with ms side than you or her husband. You know it I know it.

      Yes you do… You create the opportunity for emotional connection that is based in betrayal. Both the husband and wife are responsible for gaps in a marriage. They have no interest or desire. An unhappy marriage of 18 years that I got out of. And a happy marriage of 11 years now, that is with the love of my life. Betrayal comes in many forms losing interest in your partner, too much focus on other things besides the marriage — kids, work, hobbies, religion etc and If a marriage is struggling, the couple knows something is wrong. They might ignore it and hope it fixes itself.

      Betrayals to each other usually happen repeatedly in a whole bunch of ways long before the final betrayal of infidelity happens. I wish more people considered that and took mutual responsibility for creating an opening. My ex husband was telling me how much he loved me on a trip to Cancun the hole time he was texting the other,woman how much he loved her. End one relationship before you start another! Wow, Steve. How wonderful if you do. Often marriage is boring, but good people can deal with being traditional and conservative. Do you support cheating husbands who chase younger women to be happy, do you support the young nanny home wrecker who has affairs with older men, does the nanny have rights according to you?

      Sorry Angeline the only people with rights are the dear dear wife who has been cheated on the children simple. And the cheating husband should forget about being happy sexually funny how that has to happen with stunning beautiful young women to be satisfied. Steve i am not a younger women i am older than he is and she has given him permission to see me. I do not consider myself a home wrecker when she agreed to him having a companion. You and her man not yours have no rights here. Nobody deserves to be betrayed or cheated. Betrayal hurts so much like you would not imagine.

      My husband is having an affair right now he wants to leave me. Either partner cheats again and they are left alone. I could guarantee you that she will leave you as soon as the fire dies. You will be looking for another one. Imagine how many partners are you going to have. My husband has had a lot partners. He can leave the sooner the better. I gave him my 34 years of my life his leaving me for a younger slutty girl. All my marriage he treated me so bad and abused me in all ways.

      I think that by him leaving me it will be a big relief for me. I bet your wife also wants the same thing. Your sons and friends will hate you. Go on run be happy with that slurry employee. Best Wishes, RIS. RIS Sorry to hear about your bad husband. I hope you can leave him soon, and he can go off and be a love-rat, but not on your watch or under your roof. This man seems almost as bad I only have sympathy for his poor wife who has had to suffer with all this behind his back. Steve I get the feeling you may be somebody who has been deserted by your husband to a younger more beautiful woman?

      You carry an unusual amount of bitterness about the topic, and bias toward poor middle aged women who get left behind. Whoever you are, you know that attraction matters right? Unfortunately some people, both men and women, get into married life and let themselves go. Get out of kid mode and responsible mode and be playful, stay youthful at heart no matter your age. Have fun. Stay feeling sexy and in love. Steve, this is really what most people want, they want to be loved and understood deeply and intimately and that includes sex.

      These are the attitudes that generally keep couples close to each other. Most people want strong loving relationships. Sorry yours probably was one of the bad ones. You likely played a role in it too and need to take responsibility for that. There are some really great people that find themselves in unhappy lifeless marriages and need real stories about how to cope with that.

      I noted the love is not just a whim, or sex, or what have you. We are deeply in love for real, so much so that we cannot imagine life without one another. Guilty as charged. I am NOT a horrible human being. I am a good human being who did a very irresponsible and selfish thing, for the first time in my marriage and the last. It has been mental and emotional hell. I have endured it for love, but am now ending it. Nonetheless, it is the right thing to do. I can no longer bear the horrible dark cloud, the weight of my sin against my wife.

      It is too much. I cannot look myself in the mirror and I am deeply sorry. My advice to men AND women primarily men. It is NOT worth it. If you are a good person with a conscience, take it from me: Yes, it will be enjoyable for a time. It has been bittersweet — the best and worst time in my entire life. The trick — the longer you pursue a relationship the harder and harder it gets to break it off.

      34 Years and Still in Love: Standing the Test of Time

      So, initially, when you like being with somebody and they are attractive to you, and you are enjoying their attention, RUN. Do not flirt for one more minute. Be nice but, if necessary, be blunt with the person or stop associating with them even. You want to let that feeling sizzle out before it blossoms into love. In my case, this woman will grow old, alone having fantasized about spending the rest of her life with me, only for me to renege and let her down.

      So, I am hurting two people and, contrary to the comments here, I am not a bad person at heart. I was a victim of my own loving nature, but I am now beyond being a victim. It is MY responsibility to walk out of that cave and hope these people and God show mercy on me for my cruelty. You will be happier in the long run. I see nothing productive that will come out of that. Ignorant is bliss, especially since I appreciate her 10 times more and have absolutely zero interest in ever pursuing an illicit relationship again.

      So, why hurt her. First to Charles, about 15 years ago I was in a similar situation as you. I was 36 then and in love with a much older man who had been faithfully married for over 30 years. There was nothing flimsy about either of us or our feelings. It was real and sincere.

      Sometimes, as hard as it is for some readers like Steve and betrayed wives to believe, love can happen by surprise even to good people. I was utterly unprepared for it. My unresolved issue turned out to be grief. I lost my mother to a brutal battle with cancer at a young age, and made a rushed decision to marry the wrong man when I was hurting and longing for stability after her death.


      In that moment, it was. If it had been shallow and meaningless, it would have been much less painful. After a roller coaster year of emotional highs and lows and a double life that became unbearable, decisions needed to be made. There was also a hurt wife and religious guilt adding to the pressure. My moment of truth though, came when I realized that the constant judgement and lack of understanding would be our reality no matter how we felt and it might get in the way of accomplishing important things we both wanted to do with our lives, including supporting our families.

      We ended the relationship, that was by then a decade long friendship. It was deeply painful. It took me a long time to learn from it and heal. I learned that we all have a great capacity to love many people in many different ways and once in a while if we are lucky we find a person that understands us in a way that changes everything.

      I ended up seeking a divorce and while it was a really hard decision that impacted my kids and family, it was a great relief to end a bad marriage and start again. When I married my husband I promised all of my romantic energy to him-emotionally as well as physically. It sounds to me that your married friend dropped the ball with you as he spent time with you during volunteer work. And, as a result, he was caught off guard with a rogue desire. Weighing in as retired therapist of 22 years, I began every affair conversation with what I know for sure: affairs are never simple, no two affairs are alike, and no couple is immune.

      Married couples almost universally start off in love and with a sincere desire to remain faithful. They obviously understand boundaries, yet a high percentage of them will eventually cross the line. These are good people, our neighbors, friends, leaders, congregants, teachers, family members and perhaps the person that you married.

      We humans are constantly evolving, in our home life, careers, interests, hobbies, opinions and beliefs in countless ways all throughout our married life. Some couples grow toward each other, others grow apart. Change is natural and by no means automatically leads to an affair, however marriages are at greater risk when a couple loses sight of each other. Or if bad habits like alcoholism, abuse, or fanatical behavior throw imbalance into the relationship. Rarely does someone deliberately seek an affair.

      It sneaks up on them, they unexpectedly meet someone with common interests, an attraction forms and suddenly they feel alive, understood and in love. The truth is, we have no idea. Details are revealed, there is anger, guilt, humiliation, shock, grief, uncertainty about the future and a whole host of emotions happening all at once. The most difficult and critical action, even in the midst of all the heartbreak and confusion, is for the married couple to a full disclosure conversation about the affair relationship immediately. This is vital to begin the healing process whether they end up staying together or not.

      I recommend a counselor to facilitate. If the marriage has a religious component, a good counselor will resist allowing religious guilt, shame, or fear to be used as a weapon in either direction. Real healing cannot happen if either partner is held emotionally hostage or feels doomed to a lifetime of shame. Just as a couple can survive an affair with the right amount of work, they can also survive a divorce.

      Both partners need to be assured that personal redemption and healing are possible no matter what decisions are made. I began my comments saying no two affairs are alike, and the same is true of affair endings. Remarkably, people heal. They just had a momentary lapse, temporarily lost sight of promises, a rogue desire made them forget all about their commitment to us.

      Probably not. The truth nobody wants to talk about is we get outgrown sometimes. It took me 6 years of therapy to recognize and believe that my wife had a right to move on and be happy. Nobody who is struggling with this very real trauma needs to hear over simplified naive advice that suggests we have control over another persons love.

      We do not. It can. That finding was true for both short and long-term relationships. So the data suggest that contrary to popular belief, romance can stand the test of time and those who manage to keep the romance alive also report much higher satisfaction in their relationships. If that is the case, then the next step might be to address the question of how to bring some of that romantic love back into your relationship if it has lapsed a bit over time. Tune in to my next blog post for some tips on how to rekindle the romance in your long-term relationship. Jenna is a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with people who struggle with relationship and intimacy difficulties and with those who have a trauma history.

      Her research focuses on developing compassion-based interventions targeting stigma, shame, and chronic self-criticism. What is love?

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